The CIA Is De-Woke-ifying Itself

We have good news for all you freedom-loving patriots out there: our long national nightmare is over, the woke mind virus is dying, and the Central Intelligence Agency will no longer suffer under the yoke of oppressive diversity, equity, and inclusion training videos. In short: Trump is saving our country!

Yes, the CIA is planning its largest “mass firing” in over 50 years, according to the New York Times, and those expulsions are largely targeted at officers who work on “recruiting and diversity issues.” The newspaper notes that “51 officers working in diversity and recruiting” are currently having their positions “reviewed,” though it’s unclear whether the terminations will actually take place. The positions in question appear to have been converted from overseas agent recruitment roles into domestic DEI recruitment roles during the Biden administration, according to statements from sources interviewed by the paper. If the officers are fired it would be “one of the largest mass firings in the agency’s history,” the Times writes.

The Trump administration is currently attempting to shut down diversity programs across the federal government, and so the Agency’s efforts to gut its DEI activities track with that overall mission.

I am, of course, joking when I say that Trump is de-woke-ifying the CIA. The real joke is that the CIA—a brutal, secretive organization responsible for murder and chaos all over the globe—was ever particularly “woke” to begin with.

It’s true that the agency did release that dopey recruitment video a couple of years back. You probably remember the one I’m talking about. Yes, that video was really something, and featured its speaker—an apparent career CIA woman—saying chortle-inducing stuff like: “I am a cisgender millennial, who has been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder,” and “I am intersectional, but my existence is not a box-checking exercise,” while also referencing her love of Zora Neale Hurston and her ability to change diapers.

I would’ve loved to have seen a follow-up video discussing the intersectional complexities of this bomb that the agency has used, the likes of which is covered with knives and is designed to “slice and dice” its victims into viscera-dripping smithereens. What would Zora Neale Hurston have had to say about that??

Anyway, yes, the video was ridiculous—but almost suspiciously so. Indeed, its overt lunacy made me question whether it was really an effort to recruit diverse hires or was, in actuality, meant to piss off and radicalize midwestern MAGA types, many of whom inevitably felt the video was a surefire sign that their country was being overtaken by HR staff from the nation’s most annoying liberal arts colleges. Of course, we’ll probably never know why they did it, since the CIA rarely says anything about itself and, when it does, it usually lies.

If the CIA briefly flirted with DEI optics, news stories concerning the agency’s actual staffing composition and behavior reveal that it is anything but “woke.” An internal study shared publicly in 2015 showed that close to 90 percent of the agency’s top ranks were white dudes. And, besides all the murder and chaos, those white dudes apparently get up to no good with relative frequency. This past October, the Agency was besmirched by reports of a “deep-rooted cultural problem” involving sexual assault and harassment at the agency.